An open letter from the COPs

Dear Business:

We have read your website and we like you.

Just look at that face.

However, decisions are difficult right now. Email, Twitter, quarterly taxes. Someone just left a voicemail and an email. Is there any cake?

We cannot make another decision today! Let the minutes reflect we cannot!

Our preference would be this. To get excited about this decision you want us to make—so we don’t have to think about it. Then it’s not such a Decision anymore. It’s cake.

If you remember nothing else, remember this:
We want to want your stuff.

If you could know this simple fact in your bones, you would be golden. You could afford a golden chariot to carry all the gold.

How to get us to want?

Here are a few recommendations we all agree on:

1. Start with what we think we want.

If we don’t know we want your stuff, perhaps you could address what we think we want and work backwards. You can slip your magic-flavored benefits into our services when we’re not looking.

US: Wow, what is this heavenly flavor?
YOU: Surprise! That’s what I really do.
US: This is amazing! Why doesn’t everyone do it this way?

2. Tell us something we’re naturally curious about.

Something that reveals what’s true and useful about ourselves, our problems, our situation, our business. Do most people care about this thing you’re amazing at? I mean, really care as much as you care? It’s likely they don’t yet understand enough about it to care. So start with something they do care about. They’ll get it eventually.

3. Lightly, lightly.

Let go of that World’s Most Persuasive Pitch you’ve been slowly building out of rubber bands. Yes, we need to be convinced. But we don’t want to feel like we’re being convinced. Persuasion is an outcome, not a pick-up line. Do us the favor of allowing us to want it in our own time by not trying to make us want it. Give us room and some space to want it. You can also save the Explanation That Explains All for later. There is a time for taking us to your grandmother’s house to look through old family albums. Maybe not on the first date.

Pssst, I think that business over there is looking at me.

4. Don’t make us decide right now.

“I’ll think about it” is our favorite decision when we feel pressured to make a decision. These pile up, and then we forget. Give us a next step that will inform and delight us, even if we decide not to hire you. Don’t ask us to make a $5,000 decision now, or forever hold our peace. There needs to be something we can do now. That we’d have to be crazy not to do.

5. Acknowledge we’re probably scanning this.

Break up for us. Give us a title, a headline, a subject line, and a first paragraph that make us say, No way, really? Or at least, Huh! Show us where we should stop scanning with callouts, bullet points, images, illustrations. We’re willing to work with you on the brevity thing. Please, don’t pretend we’re not scanning. We’re just going to do it anyway.

6. Oh, and don’t take us too seriously.

We’re the COPs, not the cops.

Respectfully submitted,

Your future clients/customers/buyers/BFFs
from the Committee of Online Purchasers

//as dictated to KP, who is still working on incorporating these principles and needed the reminder.

Read all 8 smart comments. Posted by Kelly Parkinson on December 13, 2010.

9 1/2 info-product mash-ups I wish existed

1. Nathalie Lussier’s Magick Menu—a raw food meal plan and shopping list generator—combined with the Get-Clients-Now 30-day marketing plan. Because when you eat better, you feel better. And when you feel better, you become more useful in a non-annoying way. Which brings out good feelings in others. Which is what promoting yourself is all about.

2. Copy Karaoke. Sings your draft of copy to a favorite tune so you can hear it in a way that helps you edit. For when you don’ wanna hear a robot no’ more. I was crestfallen to discover Sony’s singalong GPS commercials don’t represent a real product.

3. A time tracking app that integrates with yoga videos to ground and center yourself throughout the day. So when you’re spending a lot of time on a specific activity—like Twitter—a video about that activity pops up. This could get annoying after a day or two. The motivational video would need to feature someone non-preachy and awkward. I like Jesse Eisenberg for this role.

4. A product that combines resistance training workouts with blog-post-writing exercises. When it comes to resistance training, many of us just want someone to tell us what to do. We also tend to feel that way about writing. Just give me a worksheet. I do some of my clearest thinking right after I’ve worked out. (Or at least, that’s when I’m most confident about the clarity of my thinking.) It’s a good time to write a post.

5. A self-hypnosis mp3 that integrates with your mobile device’s GPS. You enter your top-10 trigger locations. It automatically plays when you enter a pre-defined trigger area. For me, that would be the corner store. (I’m told the entire neighborhood shares my passion for beer and ice cream.) Headphones required for this product, unless you have a police megaphone to play your vices for laughs. It’s San Francisco Vice!

6. A blog-and-run iPhone app. Take it with you on a long run (to the bakery). It asks you questions, then automatically switches on the recorder for your answers. As you answer, your favorite music plays, so you can talk out your blog posts to the music of Bruce Springsteen! (This is a variation on Blog Twister, but my in-house free labor doesn’t have the iPhone-app-coding skills to develop it.)

7. Cliché Pong. Like regular Pong, except you must identify and swat only the marketing clichés running down your screen. It gets successively faster, as you attempt to let the good phrases in and keep the clichés out. More clichés come at you until you defeat them all. Or until they defeat you.

8. An ebook on how to say no that integrates with Textexpander. You download the standard set of responses to most-common-business-requests, then tweak them to fit you. Includes worksheets and flash cards. Maybe also an mp3 with inspiring No Pep-Talks.

9. A Twitter bio writing kit that lets your followers help you write your own bio or About page. Suggests questions to ask your followers on Twitter. It then aggregates their answers for you and spits them out into a document, which you can add to your website, with the preface, ‘This is what the people who know me say about me.” Again, all I can manage on my own is this douche-free bio post.

9 ½. A voice-recognition & recording hotline so you can talk out your blog post in the middle of the night. Okay, this is one I’m really working on. Join the Secret Discount Scouts to find out if I go through with this, and to get a sneak preview when it’s ready.

Read all 5 smart comments. Posted by Kelly Parkinson on December 7, 2010.

A mad libs sales page pep talk

Indifference. Silence. No response at all.

The reason we don’t write our sales pages is not because we’re afraid people will say no. It’s because we’re afraid of nothing.

We’re afraid of nothing, so we do nothing.

Aha! See? Just as we suspected.

How could anything we say make people care? Even the President can’t get everyone to take action, and he gets his own speechwriters.

It sounds like we could all use a mad libs sales page pep talk.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Print this post.

2. Fill in the blanks with phrases or words.

3. Paste phrases and words into place in the pep talk below.

Fill in the blanks.

1. Name of your boss at the worst job you’ve ever had.

_____________________ (WORST BOSS)

2. Your favorite ice cream flavor?

____________ (ICE CREAM)

3. The top reason people you want to work with say they don’t want to work with you right now.

_________________________________________ (OBJECTION)

4. The name of one of your favorite clients.

_____________ (FAVORITE CLIENT)

5. The nicest thing your favorite client ever said about you.

_________________________________________ (TESTIMONIAL)

6. The best outcome you’ve ever created for a client (or can imagine creating).

_________________________________________ (BENEFIT)

7. What’s your current title?

______________________ (CURRENT JOB TITLE)

8. What’s your name?

_____________________ (YOUR NAME)

9. What’s a big problem people are having when they come to you?

_________________________________________ (PROBLEM)

10. What’s the tiniest next step the perfect client could take?

____________________________ (OFFER)

MAD LIBS SALES PAGE PEP TALK
(Strong enough for a hockey team, made for a business.)

Remember the time I worked for _____________________? (WORST BOSS)

I’m not that person anymore.

If only _____________________ (WORST BOSS) could see me now!

The way I felt then probably wasn’t all about that job, although the job didn’t help.

I’m a different person in all sorts of ways. And I’m not such a total ____________ (ICE CREAM) anymore.

If I’m afraid writing this sales page, risking indifference and humiliation, would put me right back there again, to the way I felt working for _____________________, (WORST BOSS) that’s an understandable fear.

Listen, me, I get it.

It’s not like people haven’t told us _________________________________________. (OBJECTION) That hurt a little. But at least that was a somewhat legitimate objection. I’m even more afraid of people just not caring.

The good news is I’m already living in Indifference Land. Hey! We’re here.

But perhaps Everyone-Will-Love-This Land is closer to reality than I think.

People do want this.

They may not know they want this—because they don’t know about it yet—but I know it will help them.

And they want help because they have said as much. Like when _____________ (FAVORITE CLIENT) said, “_________________________________________.” (TESTIMONIAL)

(Do you really think _________________________________________ (BENEFIT) was a fluke? I don’t.)

It is not my job to sell this to them.

And even if it was my job to sell this to them, it still wouldn’t be as bad as _____________________ (WORST BOSS) telling me what to do.

I just tell them about how it can help them, like when _________________________________________. (BENEFIT)

They have a few objections, probably. Like _________________________________________, (OBJECTION) for starters.

I know, I know. I will address those objections to the best of my abilities. But I’m not going to fall over myself trying to persuade them. If they want it, they want it. If they’re not ready to take action right now, that’s okay, too. It just means they’re not ready right now. They might be in the future.

My goal in writing this sales page is not to get a 100% conversion rate.

And I don’t have to entice millions of people. Just the people who already like me and are willing to talk about me to their friends and colleagues.

(Even if I get zero conversion, that’s just zero conversion right now. Things can always change. Besides, at least I’m a ______________________ (CURRENT JOB TITLE) working for _____________________, (YOUR NAME) instead of for _____________________. (WORST BOSS)

My goal is for the people who are ready to make a change to see that and feel inspired to make that change with me.

It is to sell well and honestly, in a way that suits me.

Really, this is about solving problems like _________________________________________. (PROBLEM)
If even .000001% of the people who had _________________________________________ (PROBLEM) knew about my service or product, I’d be doing just fine.

Better than fine.

The sales page is the invitation.

I hope after all this time the people who know me are ready to come to my party, or to invite their friends. Will you ____________________________? (OFFER)

Let’s see what happens when I invite them!
Even if I don’t get the outcome I’m hoping for, I know the process will be useful.

I’ll learn something new about what makes people say yes—or not.

I also like how this is cumulative. My product or service may not be right for some people, but that doesn’t mean they’re not waiting, wishing, hoping for a different offer to come along.

I’ll keep trying until I get it right. Or, I could ask them. Starting with _____________. (FAVORITE CLIENT)

Oh, look! There _____________ (FAVORITE CLIENT) is now, smelling just like ____________! (ICE CREAM)

Read all 6 smart comments. Posted by Kelly Parkinson on November 17, 2010.