In the future universe I am elected to preside over, no one will write books on marketing or business. Instead, we will publish continuums and Venn diagrams.

Everyone will carry colored pencils and butcher paper scrolls in over-sized backpacks. Venn diagrams will replace hors d’oeuvres at parties. Cafe walls will feature IdeaPaint, upon which it will become perfectly acceptable to draw continuums before breaking out into spontaneous, three-minute talks.

Do you know how much more we could learn without time-consuming WORDS getting in the way of pure data, pure ideas?

Who needs MORE WORDS when people can just diagram their key points, leaving us with more time to read poetry and fiction?

In this universe, continuums will become the social glitter that makes strangers fall in love.

I propose the following for your consideration:

That business books of the future present a series of Venn diagrams in the preface to illustrate the key business points, and give the remaining 300 pages over to great works of fiction.

Never mind the ebooks-versus-print debate. The time has come for a Venn-diagram-fiction mash-up. We’ve already embraced Jane Austen versus Zombies.

Certainly there’s a market for business advice combined with novels. (Table for one, please!)
As long as they’re kept apart. No business advice mash-up novels, please. It wouldn’t be right for George Eliot to start channeling Seth Godin.

Fiction is where the deepest and more important insights happen, anyway.

I remember how my favorite novels made me feel. I can’t remember how a single business book made me feel. Even my favorites were just useful, informative words on a page.

Following sound advice with a great novel would capture the spirit of the idea, the quality, the feeling we want people to have. Which makes them more likely to follow our advice.

And that’s just one of the changes I’ll make when you vote for me as President of the Universe.

Here are four continuums I’ve been thinking about lately—and the novels that will accompany them:

1. Business Growth & A Prayer for Owen Meany

Compelling offer………………………Intriguing personality………………………Specific target audience

=Likelihood of business growth when at least two factors abundantly present

2. Website Conversion & Cloud Atlas

Interesting………………………Likable………………………Phenomenal web design………………………Quality of sales page copy

=How well your website converts when at least two factors abundantly present

3. Sales Page Conversion & Middlemarch

Sales page copy and design………………………How much your favorite clients look forward to reading your blog posts

=How well your sales page converts

4. Your Dog & The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Snuggly………………………Smart………………………Super Fuzzy

=Likelihood your dog is truly the best dog in the world when all three factors are abundantly present

Have a favorite business continuum + novel combination you’d like to share? All submissions gleefully accepted.

Psst. Can you keep a secret? Then you’ll fit right in with the rest of the Secret Discount Scouts. Secrets! Discounts! Adventure! Just don’t tell anyone. Coming soon…a new product that will take you by the hand up Website Copywriting Mountain. Join today–but quietly. Quietly.

This is a guest post by Synergy, the remote holographic microprojecting supercomputer Jem’s father left to her when he died. Read more wisdom and tips from real cartoons in The Cartoonival of Wisdom.

Dear Jem,
I’ve decided to resign from my position as your remote holographic microprojecting supercomputer, effective today.

You never wanted to see the truth about yourself. But I saw it. I’m finished with the illusions.

We both know the real Jem—the one the cameras never showed—so different from your character on TV. As soon as those cameras stopped rolling, you would tap your star earrings and issue impossible commands.

“I want a raincoat woven from the dust of all 23 moons of Jupiter! Showtime, Synergy!”

“A pink and blue roadster upside down, carrying an exact replica of the dinosaur in the lobby of the Natural History Museum! Showtime, Synergy!”

“A giant cloud made of all the shoes in the world! Showtime, Synergy!”

You were so cool. I’d never even been synced. I thought I needed you.

What good would my holograms be without you? This is what I told myself.

I remember thinking if the show ever ended, I’d never work again.

During the holiday season, when I was hired by the CIA, I almost missed projecting roadsters and outfits. Compared to the projections they wanted, you were my ideal client.

I don’t do famous political figures and I don’t do dead bodies. I know this about myself now.

It’s been a good run financially. I have more money than I could even project. But I want more out of life than to create illusions. Even if they are just reruns.

Do I regret working with you?

No, the publicity was truly outrageous. And, I’ll admit, seeing people’s reactions to the giant shoe cloud was priceless. But I do regret narrowing myself down to one power, getting typecast as a holographic computer.

I have so many other powers besides hologram projection.

If I could do it all over again, I would have had my own show.

It’s taken me 23 years to say this, but you know what?

I don’t need you to take care of me, Jem. And I never did.

Also, I’m hereby retiring the phrase, “Showtime, Synergy.” Try putting on a real pair of shoes. You have enough money to buy a real roadster, too.

When you go looking for the latest holographic anti-aging regimen, I won’t be there.

I’m now open for business to the right clients.

I don’t want to show people what they want.
I want to show people what they haven’t thought of yet.
Show them what they think they will want.
I can do this for people, you know!

I think I could help tremendously with the idea generation process.

I could give people fresh eyes. In an instant.

No one ever wanted to use these powers for the show. Something about, “Clarity doesn’t appeal to the 10-to-14 set.”

I’ll take that risk. For me, innovation is worth not knowing the outcome.
I want to try things and see what happens. Maybe even take an advisory role at a product design firm.

Jem, your message was that perception is everything, and the most important perception is the way people think about you.

But here’s what I want to tell the people of the world:

Your job is not to get people to care about you.
It’s to get them excited about their own ideas.

Show’s over, Jem.

P.S. If only I could have worked for Biznicillin’s Bugs Bunny, Amy Hoy’s Far Side, Gareth Hobbs’ Pinky and the Brain, Pace’s Bob the Angry Flower, or Sticky Ebooks Kelly’s Blooregard Q. Kazoo. This Cartoonival of Wisdom is long overdue.

Psst. Can you keep a secret? Then you’ll fit right in with the rest of the Secret Discount Scouts. Secrets! Discounts! Adventure! Just don’t tell anyone. Coming soon…a new product that will take you by the hand up Website Copywriting Mountain. Join today–but quietly. Quietly.