Dear friends whose birthdays I keep forgetting,

I am sorry. I really am.

It’s true that if your birthday was truly, deeply important to me, I would remember.

Your birthday would hold an esteemed, color-coded position on my calendar, set on automatic repeat, with three-week, two-week, and one-week text-to-phone countdowns. Your address would already be transcribed onto an old-fashioned, stamped envelope, and the thing I’d write on the card (which I’d make myself with letterpress) would be the perfect thing, just the thing to make you feel fantastic on your birthday.

The problem is I’d still forget. Unless something is screaming for my attention, I don’t tend to do it.
See: Dishes, May 2010.

The other thing to know about me is I don’t actually enjoy having a birthday myself.

Part of me wishes everyone would forget my birthday. I feel uncomfortable on my birthday. So many expectations. My birthday also reminds me of all the birthdays I forget. I feel guilty on my birthday.

And then there are the “happy birthday” emails pinching my inbox’s cheeks.

No one who knows me would ever send me a “happy birthday” email. So, if I were to look only at my inbox, it would appear that the only people who care about my birthday are those who want to sell me something.

All of the most embarrassing parts of my past emerge, in a carefully synchronized dance of shame, to commemorate the aging process.

There’s the Bodybuilding website I joined to burn the fat and feed the muscle.
The online dating website that still has my email address from 2002.
The Honda dealership that sold me the car I used to rear-end someone.
The former financial advisor whose advice I never took, calling my cell phone “just” to wish me a happy birthday.

PLEASE STOP!!!

To clarify, I do like celebrating other people’s birthdays. It’s fun, like Cinco de Mayo. Not my holiday, but who doesn’t love a party?

And I do like being invited to birthday parties. A party is an event. Once I’ve RSVP’d, your birthday becomes urgent. There’s a well-defined protocol. I don’t even have to find a stamp. I can give you the card myself.

Maybe you feel this way about your birthday, too.

Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you cry because not enough people remembered your birthday.

Well, now there’s a solution to all of the guilt, the fear, the pain, the embarrassment. For everyone.

It’s called Birthday Amnesty.

It is one random day of the year I have chosen on which to celebrate my friends’ birthdays, in the hopes of getting forgiveness for the countless birthdays I have forgotten.

On this special day, the people whose birthdays I forgot will receive a surprise in the mail. I might even throw them a party!

No pressure for me, no pressure for you!
Just a delightful surprise!

The amazing Shannon Wilkinson suggested this idea to me when I was detailing my birthday issues. She said it reminded her of the library’s amnesty day, when you can return a book without a late fee. I need library amnesty, too.

This year, I’d like my first Birthday Amnesty to take place sometime in late June, I think. Unless I forget.

Wouldn’t you love to get a surprise in the mail after sending in your quarterly estimated taxes?

I hope getting a Birthday Amnesty card on a random day makes you feel more special, because you deserve to feel special.

Dear reader,

If you suffer from guilt and forgetfulness and would like to join the Birthday Amnesty program, all you need to do is comment below. You’ll be added to the Official Scroll of Birthday Amnesty recipients.

Once you’re in the program, you’ll need to pick a day on which to send your friends a Birthday Amnesty card. Cupcakes appreciated.

You’ll also need to decide whether to have a Birthday Amnesty party. If you do decide to have the party, it’s very important to make sure there are enough cake and candles for everyone. Since you’ve already forgotten their birthdays, you can’t skimp on Birthday Amnesty.

And here’s a song you can sing:

Happy Birthday Amnesty
Happy Birthday Amnesty

I’m bad at remembering dates

But I like you

If the program has enough recipients, I might even create a Birthday Amnesty Certificate of Authenticity you can print and display to the people whose birthdays you forgot. That way they’ll know your amnesty is real, and not some cheesy gimmick.

Happy Birthday Amnesty!

Psst. Can you keep a secret? Then you’ll fit right in with the rest of the Secret Discount Scouts. Secrets! Discounts! Adventure! Just don’t tell anyone. Coming soon…a new product that will take you by the hand up Website Copywriting Mountain. Join today–but quietly. Quietly.