Inspired by Victoria Brouhard’s proprietary “Shmorian Thing-Finding Methodology,” which she unveils in a teleclass on April 29th, my personal assistant Aaaaaagw prompted me to reveal a system of my own, which I’ve been hoarding for a while.

Studies show approximately 86 percent of what I write is total B.S.

That sentence represented the 14-percent, non-B.S. group because it was specific. (Arithmetic, no hands!)

Most of what I write is not specific. It’s vague, unfounded, nonsensical, clichéd. It makes complete sense in my head at the time. Under inspection, it falls apart instantly, a cotton candy sentence.

I know better than to edit and write at the same time, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. That’s why I rely on this B.S. Detection Device.

The Patent-Pending Aaaaaaagw B.S. Detection Device

(QUESTIONS TO IDENTIFY AND IMPROVE B.S. ON YOUR SALES PAGE)

The Aaaaaagw B.S. Detection Device scans 86 percent of what I write.

I’ve named it after Aaaaaaagw because he invented it. He likes to read my first drafts out loud. Editing is not so bad when a dinosaur puppet vigorously thrusts each sentence up to the light. It doesn’t take long to discover where ridiculousness lies. Every sentence sounds a little ridiculous. Try it sometime.

Instructions:

1. Click here to download the detection device.
2. Print.
3. Using a pair of precision scissors, carefully separate the device from its protective paper casings.
4. Glue the device to a piece of cardboard or construction paper.
5. Scan the device over your draft as you ask yourself the following device-compatible questions.
6. Listen for signals. You may feel a slight cringe upon identification of B.S.
7. Adjust copy accordingly, or until device stops signaling.

B.S.-Detection-Device-Compatible Questions

1. What am I trying to say here? Answer this question plainly, awkwardly, freely.
2. What does THAT mean?
   • NOTE: Every sentence should pass the “What does THAT mean?” test. Example: “We look at things differently, bringing unique perspectives, fresh approaches, and original ideas.” What does THAT mean? I know you’d never write this.
3. Jargon-free? If you’re not sure if it’s jargon, Google it.
4. How do I know that’s true? (Yes, we do The Work here, too.)
5. Do I have proof?
6. If I don’t have proof, can I tell a story about it instead?
7. What’s the benefit to the reader? What does this allow the reader to accomplish? And what does this allow the reader to avoid? What pain are they escaping?
8. How long is this sentence? Can I break it up into parts?
9. Am I writing the same word at the beginnings of sentences? How diverse is the sentence structure? Unless you’re repeating on purpose.
10. How does this sound when I say it out loud? To my partner? How about when my dinosaur puppet reads it in a shrill voice?

IMPORTANT: Do not apply this device to fresh copy. Wait at least 60 minutes, preferably 24 hours.  Attempting to apply this device too soon may have dangerous side effects, including depression, hot flashes, hallucinations, and delusions.