Maybe you’ve met her before? Bugged out eyes. Insanely loud typist. Lives on bean and cheese burritos—the kind that come with the tiny hot sauce packets. Hates the phrase “Want to go for a walk?”
(Making her my dog’s mortal enemy.)
In case she’s reading this–I want her to know I know she meant well.
I’m only sharing my story in hopes other creative types will see they’re not alone.
It started innocently enough when she approached me with a new project.
“I’m booked right now, but I’ve got some time in four weeks.”
She didn’t like this response. “JUST DRINK MORE COFFEE YOU’RE FINE.”
“Actually, I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee. And I don’t want to work on weekends again.”
“That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if you’re replaced by someone else! I’m just saying.”
I thought she had a point there. So we began working together. And thus began her campaign to improve my productivity in every way she knew how.
Like the thing with my workouts. I still don’t know how she did this (secret heatmapping technology?), but whenever I tried to get in a workout before 6pm, she’d stop me for some urgent email she wanted me to see. “No, really, I think there’s something truly important in there.” These emails never actually existed.
She also took issue with me writing blog posts more than once a month. “Your clients should really take precedence over your own stuff. Unless you were planning to get a side job somewhere else. I don’t know–was that the plan? I don’t mean to butt in.”
If I tried to eat breakfast away from the computer, she knew somehow. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE? What if someone was trying to email you? Get over there! Go on, now!” (She didn’t like this post I wrote about Merlin Mann and Bob Bly eating waffles together.)
Speaking of food. One time, on Thanksgiving, she told me I had to work on this white paper. On Thanksgiving Day! But it did seem important. After I finished, she seemed to forget all about it. Said it was great I’d worked so hard, but there was still more work to be done. “Moving on!” She used those exact words.
After I got sick with the flu for the second time in 6 months, I finally caught on. I had a choice about all this.
I didn’t completely stop working with her. I don’t think either of us was quite ready for that.
Instead, I hired her. I positioned it as a lateral move.
Now she’s the Associate Vice President of Spelling Errors. I also put her in charge of A/R. She gets to mail the checks in to my bank, and to look up the special four-digit codes at the ends of zip codes. Knowing every envelope has the full, postal-service-approved zip code gives her great satisfaction.
Just last week, we discovered another fascination. Paperclips. She loves paperclips! I bought her a box of colored paper clips, and she spent the day just clipping random documents together. I take her with me to the office supply store now. This is like a vacation for her.
She’s gotten real quiet lately. I think she’s starting to accept my inefficiently roundabout way of doing things. She might even be starting to enjoy working for me even more than she enjoyed being my client.
Recently, I added a business adviser to my team, just to get another perspective during these meetings between myself and my client. To my surprise, I’m actually a pretty good business adviser to myself.
My business adviser and my former-client-now-Associate-VP-of-Spelling-Errors still don’t agree on everything. But they have finally come to an agreement on one thing. A 15-minute walk might not be the end of the world.
Expeditions in progress:
Dig up more good stuff:
15 Comments
That’s brilliant! I love the lateral move – pure genius!
Josiane´s last blog ..Taking action instead of resolving to do so
Hi Josiane! Kelly’s client here. Just to clarify, VP of Spelling Errors is actually a promotion rather than what she stated as a “lateral transfer.” Originally, I think the intention was she didn’t want to overpromise. Technically, my responsibilities are much greater now. I’m indispensable. Emails can’t get written without me, etc. Just wanted to clear that up.
That was a genius move! And clearly the happy face means your dog approves as well.
Hey, Kelly. My contract addresses business hours and rush charges—and the cool little trick that gets me paid within 30 days every time.
If you’d like to check it out, let me know. (My overarching agreement is based on AIGA’s Standard Form of Agreement: http://www.aiga.org/content.cfm/standard-agreement)
* Remove parenthesis for that link to work:
http://www.aiga.org/content.cfm/standard-agreement
Ah, the clients inside.
As one of my meditation tutors once said to me, ‘There’s a lot of people in there, eh?’
Nicely done.
Andrew Lightheart @alightheart´s last blog ..What feelings want
I’d love to have your Assoc VP of Spelling Errors get together with My VP-of-Marking-off-Tasks-to-Feel-Productive.
This VP has been very on edge the past ten no-school-snow-days. Typical comments include “How can you go sledding when you have proposals and blog posts to write?” and “You’re making cookies? Can’t they eat store-bought?”
jacquelyn´s last blog ..How e-bakery got its Sprinkles
Hm, I think some of her cousins might be working for me. I’m sure you can imagine how THRILLED they are that I’m taking this semester off from tutoring to deal with my illness. (As in, “Hey-quit being such a baby and SUCK IT UP! We’ve got work to do here!”
Cranky Fibro Girl´s last blog ..Um, I’m Not Sure They’ve Really Thought This Whole Thing Through
Jacquelyn, I think cookies and sleds are always justifiable. And very productive. Especially when you send people cookies in the mail.
Jenny, Oh, no. Relatives–plural! This definitely sounds like something my VP would say. Nice to hear those cousins aren’t as influential as they think.
I had to read this twice. I kept thinking I wish you’d tell this knucklehead where to go.
Don’t hate me because I’m brilliant.
tami´s last blog ..Yoga+Music365 (day48) – The Greatest by Cat Power – Handstand Heimlich Edition!
Tami, don’t feel bad! I had to live with her in my brain and it STILL took me a while to notice she was even there!
oh.my.god. i love this!
and wasn’t your negotiator a bear? is he/she helping?
xo
michelle marlahan´s last blog ..Peeling the onion
Michelle, I forgot about my bear! But thank you for the reminder, because I think it’s time to bring him back into the mix. I’ll put some honey out so he feels welcome.
Probably one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Or perhaps ever. When I say funny, I of course mean “frighteningly accurate.”
Thanks for this pick me up! So well written, too. But… dare I ask… what does SHE think?
Lindsey Donner´s last blog ..The Mango Man
Lindsey, thank you for stopping by! SHE actually feels very important. She just needed an equivalent thing to worry about and an important job title. Also, she wants me to ask why you’re reading blogs when you could be working. Mmmmm? You don’t have to answer that.